


You've Gotta Be Kitten' Me

by Zillyhoo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, the kitten chronicles continue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 00:11:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3269486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zillyhoo/pseuds/Zillyhoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We just found a dildo under your best friend's bed and you're concerned about a kitten comprehending this concept?!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeliciousDanish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeliciousDanish/gifts).



> Also known as my lovely and overworked Fiance.  
> I'm sorry work has been kicking your ass lately; I hope Noya's misfortune brings you great joy and takes away some of the anxiety you've been experiencing.

"-and you have to lock her in the laundry room for ten minutes, otherwise she won't go. She'll just come running out and go somewhere else. She likes to go on the couch and Daichi's shoes."

"Relax, Suga! We've got this."

That's what Noya had said, but two broken dishes and a pair of ruined shoes later, his confidence is starting to waver. He puts on a brave face for Asahi, who is already apprehensive about the responsibility left in their hands.

"It's totally fine. No one is going to notice two missing dishes."

"Maybe... But I feel really bad. And Daichi's shoes-..."

"Daichi has a ton of different shoes. We'll just stuff these under Ryu's bed-..." Noya grunts from the effort it takes to find space beneath his friend's bed. When he peeks underneath to see what the hold up is, he realizes that this is not Daichi's first pair of shoes to be hidden. "See? Ryu's done the same thing!" Noya grins up at Asahi from his place on the ground before shoving one more time. The shoes make it beneath the bed, but not without disrupting the intricate flow that Tanaka has gone to such great lengths to create.

"Mm? Asahi, your phone is ringing. It's probably Suga wanting to check in on Teacup."

"My phone isn't ringing. I have it right here. And her name is Kettle."

"Huh. It can't be mine, I would feel it. ...Maybe Ryu left his behind?" As Noya turns to look behind him, he sees it, half buried beneath the graveyard of shoes. He bites back a yelp and wrenches his gaze away from it before Asahi gets too curious. "Yeah! That must be what it is! Let's hurry up and find it so we can tell Suga he left it!"

"It sounds like it's coming from in here." Asahi peers around the room without actually moving from the doorway. Unlike Noya, he's uncomfortable with the idea of invading Tanaka's space, especially when Tanaka isn't around.

"Uhhhh, no I think it's coming from the laundry room! He did fuss about Tea-set's litter box. I wouldn't put it past him to leave it in there." Noya keeps jamming one of the shoes further in, hoping in vain that the vibrator will be shut off by the motion.

"Don't you think we should rinse the shoes before hiding them?" Asahi manages to make it to the center of the room before discomfort settles in again. He stops a few feet behind Noya.

"You're right! What was I thinking?!" _I'll pull the shoes out and then I can just turn it off by-..._ Noya groans inwardly at the thought of _touching_ the damn thing. He has a pretty good idea of where it's been, and leaving it under the bed by Daichi's soiled shoes isn't exactly hygienic. He's going to have to have a long talk with Ryu about that. 

_Let's get this over with._

Noya yanks the pair of shoes back out, ready to shove his hand in the newfound space and turn the vibrator off. To his shock and horror, the vibrator was trapped beneath the pair of shoes in hand. It rolls forward, too fast for him to catch, and comes to a stop at Asahi's feet. A silence stretches out between them, which only makes the buzzing more obscene.

"Asahi, don't freak out-..." Pandemonium erupts after Noya's words. 

Asahi jumps back with a yelp, slamming his back into the edge of Tanaka's desk, and seconds later, Teacup comes rocketing into the room to viciously attack the vibrating dildo. Noya is busy trying to pry it from her tiny paws while Asahi keeps attempting to scoot back.

Teapot has some serious claws on her, and seconds after having them dig into his skin, Noya feels the burn of whatever demonic kitten venom Teapot is packing in those tiny paws of hers.

Asahi is proving to be about as useful as a broken condom, but Noya is fast on his feet. He pushes the fluffy menace back with one hand and takes the dildo in the other, holding it gingerly between two fingers. He has just enough sense to turn it off before flinging it in the general direction of Tanaka's bed.

"Okay, minor set back."

"MINOR SET BACK?!" Asahi sounds borderline hysterical, and when Noya looks at him, he sees the gentle giant is shaking like a leaf.

"Let's not make a scene. Little Teavana doesn't need to be exposed to this violence at such a young age."

"We just found a dildo under your best friend's bed and you're concerned about a kitten comprehending this concept?!" Asahi has clearly reached his limit if he can bring himself to be angry in the presence of a kitten. (Not to mention the fact that he managed to say the word 'dildo' without stammering and blushing.)

"Shhh..." Noya closes the distance between them and reaches a hand up to comb it through his boyfriend's hair. It's only when Asahi shrinks back in revulsion that he recalls man-handling the vibrator. "Bath time."

"No amount of bathing can make us clean again." Noya wants to scold Asahi for the negativity, but the words ring true, and he shudders in silent agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noya and Asahi take a soothing bath together in an attempt to recover from the earlier horror of finding a certain someone's vibrator. It doesn't go well.

"I washed my hands excessively! Pleeeeease let me shampoo your hair for you, Asahi!" The two boys are currently crammed in the apartment's bathtub to 'save water', according to Noya. 

In reality, he's still trying to recover from the vibrator incident while simultaneously hiding from the kitten's wrath. She hasn't forgiven him for taking away her new and exciting buzz toy, and no amount of apologies and assurances that "no, you do not want to play with that" can placate her. Asahi is kind enough not to call Noya out on his lie, and for that, Noya is grateful.

Washing Asahi's hair is therapeutic to him, and he thinks that with enough hair therapy, he may be able to look Ryu in the eyes again some day.

"You _touched_ it," Asahi says. Something died in him after their earlier trauma. He's been quiet all night and only gives Noya clipped responses. Those three words are more than he's said in the last two hours.

"Yes, but it's okay. One time I touched Kiyoko's hair with this hand. All of the good from that outweighs any bad that could try to taint this hand!" Noya decides he's done with Asahi's wallowing. If he continues to give in to it, Asahi will never recover. "You'll see. This will take your mind off of it."

Noya places a kiss between Asahi's shoulder blades before grabbing the nearest shampoo. There's enough hair supplies to start a salon, and Noya has to wonder why that is. Tanaka has virtually no hair. Daichi has used the same shampoo all his life, which leaves...

"Suga. I wonder if he's ever talked to Oikawa about hair product. Even you don't have this much at home, Asahi, and you have way more hair than he does!" Noya beams, though Asahi's back is to him, and sets to work, rubbing the shampoo in both hands to get an even coat. It's clear and doesn't have much of a scent, which Noya finds to be disappointing, seeing as it came from such a small tube. He assumed that it would be some sort of fancy pants, over priced, stylist grade shampoo, complete with actual moon dust and essence of Kiyoko. 

He forgets all of that as he works his fingers through Asahi's hair. He isn't even bothered when Teacup shoves her furry paws in the space between the door and the carpet, a warning, no doubt, of the pain that is to come.

Things are starting to feel normal again. Asahi is quiet, but there's a content feeling to it, rather than a defeated aura, and Noya is ready to fall into his nightly routine. Wash Asahi's hair, brush teeth, put blankets in the dryer, eat a snack while waiting for blankets to heat, brush teeth again, and finally falling into bed with his over sized cotton ball of a boyfriend, freshly warmed blankets ready to carry them to sleep.

His musing is interrupted by a steadily growing tingle that dances across his hands. At fist, he thinks he must be having war flash backs of grabbing the buzzing fiend from earlier, but the tingling intensifies and steadily grows warmer. It's actually kind of soothing, in a bizarre and slightly familiar way-...

"What kind of shampoo is that? It doesn't feel like it's lathering up and it tickles my scalp. Not that I'm complaining, just observing. ....Noya?" When no response comes, Asahi tilts his head back to make sure his boyfriend is still awake.

Noya stares at his hands, eyes wide in horror.

"This is... lubricant."

"... _What_?!"

Pandemonium breaks out for the second time that evening. Asahi jerks up and succeeds in splashing water over the edge of the tub, while Noya remains seated, still staring at his hands as if he can't believe they're still in front of his face. Asahi is frantically twisting his hair and squeezing excess water out, stopping every few twists to fling his hands in disgust. In his frantic state, he turns the shower on without draining the bath water, and it isn't long before the tub begins to overflow.

"How could you put lubricant in my hair?! I'm going to go bald!" Asahi scrubs his scalp frantically, ignoring the way the water is burns his hands.

Noya finally comes out of his stupor at the mention of Asahi being bald, his eyes filling with emotion. He clenches his fists.

"WHO KEEPS LUBRICANT WITH THEIR HAIR SUPPLIES?! WHO DOES THAT?! IS THAT WHY RYU'S HAIR DOESN'T GROW IN?! IS IT THE SECRET TO SUGAWARA'S SOFT DOWNY LOCKS?! DOES DAICHI HAVE SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TELL US?! ASAHI, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE BALD!"

"I KNOW!"

Noya stands up and scrubs his hands off before reaching up and helping Asahi with his hair. Neither one of them trusts the alleged shampoo bottles surrounding them, so Noya snatches the hand soap from the sink. It's then that he realizes the tub has been overflowing.

"Asahi, drain the bath! I'll go get towels!" He doesn't wait for Asahi to reply, he just bolts for the extra towels. Teapot follows along behind him, scratching at his ankles whenever she gets the chance, gleeful that her new toy has finally emerged from his domain.

After sopping up the excess water, Noya and Asahi sit outside the bath, their backs pressing against the smooth porcelain. Asahi has his tilted back while Noya hangs his head. Both boys have had their spirit broken.

"We don't speak of this to anyone. Ever."

"You don't have to tell me twice. ...And you didn't have to waste all of those towels. I'm sure my hair will fall out in a matter of minutes, and we could've made a rag out of it to absorb the water." The disheartened brunette touches the ends of his hair before dropping his hand away, too saddened to continue touching it.

"We'll use your hair rag for something at _our_ apartment. I'm not wasting the use of your beautiful hair in a damning place like this." It grew quiet after that, and Noya couldn't stand the sudden silence. It was suffocating.

"I'll love you even when you go bald!"

"That's easier said than done. You'll probably think of the vice principal every time you kiss me."

"Ugh, Asahi! Why did you have to go there?!" Noya whines and elbows Asahi hard, his mind a sudden pool of unwanted images.

"Where are you going?!" Asahi looks up in alarm when Noya moves for the door, worried that he's really done it, he's scared Noya off for life.

"I'm going into the only safe place in this cursed apartment: Suga's room."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be strong, Asanoya. Be strong.


End file.
